The Era of the Old People

I thought I would choose this title because it seems as if everyone in my family is suffering from one age-related problem or another. Some have arthritis, some have memory problems, and some just have unusual diagnoses that makes no sense. In our immediate family which includes parents, children and spouses, the ages range from 54 to 95. Those of us who have made it through our lives with no health problems are now experiencing them. I guess if you live long enough something will get you – or at least that is how it feels. The 54 year old (the youngest) has already had a back injury and is disabled at this point. His wife has been diagnosed with two types of thyroid problems. The other two siblings – me (66) and the oldest (who will be 70 soon) are running as fast as we can to not get hit by the dart from the spirit of infirmity that is attacking our family. My husband has already had one hernia surgery, and now has another hernia on the other side. Oh yes, I failed to mention that our 95 year old father is running right behind my brother and myself. He would be beside us but we’re still able to run a little faster than him – not much – but a little. My mother still has the tumor in her bile duct which is only operating properly due to the stint that was placed in it. Next week, the permanent stint will be put in to replace the temporary one. We are all hoping that it will not cause her to regress because she has been doing so well with physical therapy – almost too well – since she doesn’t realize the danger of getting up to walk without using a walker. The dementia is better some days and worse on others. It is very unpredictable. We still don’t know conclusively what is causing the dementia; mostly we are guessing. It just seems like a waste of time and money to find out because it won’t change anything, I don’t think. However, I think of the patients I have read about that were diagnosed with hydrocephalus due to over-abundance of cerebral spinal fluid and the dementia was relieved after a shunt was placed in the brain. I wonder if this is what is wrong with mom but then I think of how difficult the procedure would be on her and decide not to go forward. Then, I wonder if I should take her to a neurologist to have a diagnosis given to her but I have read that with dementia, it is difficult for them to diagnose. They ask questions and pretty much call it something based on the answers or lack thereof. Alzheimer’s can’t be definitively diagnosed until after death. We can go into space but we don’t understand the human brain. Amazing!!! So, I guess our otherwise healthy and energetic family has begun to reach the point where we are each one going to have to deal with some type of physical ailment – either because we have lived too long and our organs are old or because we haven’t taken good care of our bodies. There is also always the other possibility – eventually something happens to everyone. I see no recourse except to keep on praying and striving to live in God’s perfect will – while I seem to fail on a daily basis…..me and many others.

The 4th of July

Today is Sunday and it’s the 4th of July which is rather unusual. Lucas and his friend shot off fireworks by the pond while I sat and watched. I am concerned about Lucas lately. He has been having more “tics” than usual, although this seems to happen every summer after he gets off some of the medication. Is it the medication? That is my question, or would he have the “tics” anyway? It’s so frustrating to not be able to afford to take him for the right kind of tests to try to get to a reason why he has these “tics.” The newest one is rolling his eyes back into his head – an expression that might be considered typical for a kid who doesn’t like what he’s being told; however, that’s not why he’s doing it. It guess it’s a good thing that he’s not in school right now or he would probably be sent to the office regularly by teachers who do not understand. I will continue to pray for him but I mostly just wish that his mom and dad would take the initiative to get help for him – but neither of them try that hard. The sad thing is that in their own way, they each believe they are trying to help him. Ugh!

God’s perfect will!

I took Dad to see Mom today. Over the period of one hour, Dad visited with her, my brother Milton visited with her, and I visited with her. She attempted to manipulate each one of us to take her home. While it was amazing that she could manage this with the dementia controlling part of her thinking, it was also poignant. I want so badly to just move her out of there, especially since she seems to be improving cognitively every day; however, it remains to be seen if it will last. I do believe that the Vicodin messed her metabolism up for several days and she is now coming back to her normal state. But, she still has a problem with the inability to stand up and get on the bed-side commode, and then back into the bed or chair. If she were here with me, I could help her with this during the day, but I can’t trust that she wouldn’t try to do it on her own during the night – which means I would either have to sleep with her or at minimum in the same room with her. This is the wall that I always arrive at when contemplating having her live with me. My prayer is this: Lord, if it is your perfect will for Mom to move in with me, then make it possible. Give her the ability to move about on her own once again. Until that happens, help me to be patient and accept what I cannot change. Amen

Letting Go

I have spent a lot of time observing things and thinking of the best way to handle them where mom and dad are concerned. First of all, needless to say, this is not an easy road. The three of us siblings have each had to go through similar situations with friends, or in-laws, but never with one of our own family – other than my older brother’s wife, Janet – which was almost too close for comfort, wasn’t it Joe? Anyway, it is here now! At first, I thought that we would be able to grieve and handle everything as a “threesome” (more like The Three Stooges because none of us really knew what we were doing during the hospital/nursing home episodes). In those days we were each adjusting individually but trying to maintain protection over dad and mom while handling it as a triad. The truth is now in front of us, however. That cannot be done! Each person has to handle things – the pain, the sadness, the joy, the letting-go, in their own way – and we are each one doing it differently. Dad, for the most part, would rather have us handle the grieving part for him – but we are not doing him a favor by attempting to do this. He needs to “hurt” and “grieve” also. I know he wants to be spared the “messy” part because just yesterday he told me that as a nurse, he would like me to basically go test the water to see if it is clear for him to come for a visit. Maybe if I lived in Beaumont, I would have slipped into that position but having the distance away makes me stop and think. I can’t do that for dad, nor should anyone have to do it. Joe, you and dad are so much alike, it’s uncanny. I believe that neither of you want to deal with the “sadness” or “pain” of this whole event. I understand this because I, too, have compartmentalized thinking – and have spent a good portion of my life locking up in neat little boxes the things that were too painful to experience. Then, someone told me something that changed my approach. He said, “You can lock up the things that hurt your heart, but you basically lock up the love at the same time – because there will always be pain associated with love.” After thinking about this, I realized that this was so true – because Jesus’ “love” was so great that he chose to endure the “pain” for us. Had he not chosen the “pain” – we could never really know the “love”. Now, I know that we are not the Son of God and all that; but we still have a choice, just like Jesus did. We can lock up the “pain” and the “love” right along with it or we can choose to endure both – knowing that it is not all that scary since it has already been done for us and the “pain” that we must endure will never match or even come close to what Jesus took to the cross. So what if we have to hurt a little and cry a little during the loss of each of our parents? Is that too much to bear? So, it is uncomfortable at times and not “neat and packaged” but there were many things that both our parents went through with each of us that was messy at times. This whole event is the coming full circle of a beautiful, purposed journey of a woman’s life; a life that God planned even up to including being born to a poor family with a hateful father, a mother who would die too young, eight siblings to fight with over food, and a prince charming rescuing her from it all at age sixteen. This is still a part of her life. Yes, she is our mother, and dad’s wife, and a grandma, and great-grandma; but mostly she is just a human finishing out the final part of her journey. Maybe, we wish that this part of the journey would be all smiles, and never having to listen to her wishing that she could turn back time and go home – but it isn’t. In my opinion, the best way that the three of us can best help each other and our dad, is to not only allow, but encourage each other to face the end of this journey even when it includes mom’s tears. (And I am sitting here crying when I say this). We can choose to run away from the “pain” and “sadness” she must feel when she is able to grasp for a moment that she is at the end of her life and in a place that is not home; or we can gently and compassionately step out of the room, let a few tears out, and go back and help her understand that she is where God wants her – or if that’s not possible at that moment, then we can change the subject which will require her to go a different direction – hopefully thinking of something from the past that we remember that would make her smile. I am not trying to say that this is an easy way to handle all of this. I am just reminding each of us that if we do not learn to do this now, how will we ever handle any future deaths that may come our way – if it turns out to be one of our children, or grandchildren? Life begins through birth and ends through death – and nobody has ever been able to escape the inevitability of that fact. But, we have the ability to bear it because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and if we can’t embrace that “pain” with the “love” through this event, we have nothing to prepare us for the future.

Today was Father’s Day

I ran by and saw my mom before picking up my dad to bring him to my house for Father’s Day. Mom was sitting in her wheelchair in the sun room. I got close to her face and waited until she looked into my eyes. She made eye contact and said, “Hello Carol!” What joy that brought to my soul! “Hi mama! How are you today?” “Pretty good.” She answered. I didn’t stay long but told her that it was Father’s Day and I was taking Dad to eat. She said, “I’m glad!” We said “I love you” and I went on my way. I picked up Dad and drove the 45 miles back to my house where we sat down to barbecue ribs, potato salad, and baked beans. Then my dad and my husband retired to recliners with golf on the television. They both went to sleep as my grandson and his uncle went outside and played basketball. When it was time to take my 95 year old Dad home, he go the car and said, “That was the most I have relaxed in a long time. I forgot all of my worries and just rested!” What a blessing to be thanked for Father’s Day when it was me who was thankful for such a great father!

Yesterday

It was not a very good day. I had to talk with the RN who is taking care of Mom and listen to how our family (mostly me and my brothers) need counseling because of not understanding our mom having dementia. The truth is that we have been dealing with her dementia for five-plus years and we are in agreement that the reason her dementia has suddenly taken a turn for the worse is because of her being given Vicodin for a neck crick. For some blessed reason, my mother can not tolerate narcotics of any type. I am thrilled over this. She is basically not in pain, so why should she have to tolerate a narcotic – yet, Hospice and the RN taking care of her felt the need to save her from the crick in her neck and succeeded in totally messing up her head – yet once more. Was it not enough that the Xanax, Ambien, Respiradol, and Remeron all produced the same results along with insomnia and hallucinations? Nobody listens to what we say! By golly, I think the RN has the message now but at whose expense? I am glad that yesterday is over. One good thing that came from all of it was that I realized that I was somewhat jealous that this RN who does seem to love my mom (she has the love of God in her heart) is able to do for her what I cannot. I have to accept that this is as it should be – even though it hurts.

Crossing the Creek

The Hospice people gave us a handout to read to aid in understanding the death or dying process. I postponed reading it for the approximate two weeks she was on Hospice, and then  didn’t really have the desire to pick it up until today after going through some emotional conflicts with my younger brother. It was really “stupid” things that we were arguing over – mostly due to words that were spoken incorrectly by me or misunderstood by him but it all involved mom’s care at the residential assisted living. Ever since she arrived there, it has been just one more adjustment for all of us, including her. There is no way to know what stage of the dying process she is in right now, and yet, we all seem to be trying to expect her to act or react a certain way. She has days when she seems more aware of her surroundings than she does on other days. Then, there seem to be times that she only wants to sleep. There are times when she seems to be confused and other times when she seems to have been dreaming about those who have died and left the earth – like other family members. It must be very real when she does have these dreams because she awakens and asks if her mother is still alive. All of these things that I have seen are described in the handout “Crossing the Creek.” I believe that the article was written by someone who has worked in Hospice many years, and feels that he has some expertise in understanding death and dying. While it may be true that exposure to this on a daily basis might help one to learn or believe they have learned certain processes that take place when a person is dying; it certainly doesn’t make them an expert or give them any more actual understanding of what is taking place during the death process than anyone else. The only thing that can be reported are the consistencies that seem to occur from one dying patient to another, and there do seem to be some consistencies that are clear. However, I don’t think that this makes anyone really able to report more than those characteristics that are in common. The rest is mere speculation. What did bother me about the article was the fact that he never really addressed God’s existence. I can understand that this may have been omitted purposely to better serve more people universally rather than just a distinct group of believers. It bothered me that he was able to speculate about people slowly moving from this reality to another without addressing anything more than the consciousness living eternally. He supposes that the dying person is attempting to resolve issues while he is in a near-death state through the dream process so that he can then go on peacefully to the “other side” yet, he never mentions God. Is there something wrong with me that I can’t just read this and find it comforting? I do see some of the things that the writer describes happening to my mother, and in my spirit, I can see that she is visiting the past for whatever reason; but anyone could make supposition of why this is happening, and yet, nobody really knows except for God. I guess that is why it troubles me that the writer leaves God out of it. Perhaps it’s just me and the way I understood what I read. I do believe that my mother is in the death and dying stage of her life – and maybe closer to it than she has ever been due to health problems – but I also still believe that however long she lingers here is in God’s hands and not mine. I agree with one thing in particular that the writer said. I do believe that it is important to work out all of our life issues while we are alive rather than when we are lying on our deathbed in some type of dream-like state. If we do this, perhaps we will have a peaceful exit from our body. Certainly that would be preferable, however, regardless of how much we work out, it may seem to the onlookers that we are suffering and over this, we ultimately have no control.